Define Life

2AM

“Would you care to explain?”
“It’s not that easy”
“Just tell me”

I stared blankly at my phone
You really wouldn’t understand
How do I tell you that I’m filled with so much vanity but when I need me the most, thereforth comes my doubt to kill my sanity
How can one love herself so much but with every move I make I seem like a fool so I choose to address myself as such
Tell me if it makes sense to be 2,3,4 in one person?
Because this battle between myself & I proves to be ever so tiring

I stared blankly at my page
What can I make of you?, what exactly do I put down
2:00am
Sketch your emotions on a page or on a screen
Hold your breath and try not to scream because it’s 2am and the others are in their bedrooms resting while you lie awake with your pen arresting these thoughts you can’t jot down
It’s such a same, you only have yourself to blame

“You don’t trust anyone”
Why do you find it so hard to trust the ones you love?
You call them your family, the ones you go to when push comes to shove
When they ask you to explain you shut down
It’s really not healthy to hold in this much pain
My mind’s in disarray

I stared blankly at that page
“I want to be great”
I want to make a difference in this world
I want to be a change
I want to be the reason why they can
I want everyone to know I was here
Does that make me selfish
Isn’t that overachieving
Or do I have high hopes cause I want the best for my children ?
Not just for my children children, but also my other other children
Not just the ones I’d birth, but the one I would have never met by the time I’m gone

I stared blankly at the wall when my mother came in
“What are you writing?”
“Nothing” I said as I smiled
It’s 2am, actually 2 something by now
I wish it were easier to cry
I wouldn’t like to say I’m depressed but it seems quite unusual to always feel “stressed”
How I wish it were easier to cry
Nowadays I don’t even have to try to keep my mind occupied, with thoughts of death not for myself, but tell me, have you ever thought of death and smiled?

I have no one to talk to
Nowadays it feels like everyone’s on a rant too
Talking about the crazy and stupid shit they do
Seems like no one wants to remain humble
Every time shouting about having an opinion but it becomes a problem when someone has an opposition to that opinion, in their defense that’s just their opinion in my opinion
It’s a world of double standards don’t you get that?

It’s about a quarter to 3 and I think about my 8-10 friends
They’re my other family
I call them the ones I love so why can’t I count on them when push comes to shove
Just another case of my paranoia
Steadily becoming a dilemma

“You’re the most emotional person you know”
Honestly can’t tell you what it feels like to feel so much yet say so little
“Just tell me”
Believe me when I say it’s not that easy
I guess I just don’t enjoy the pity
“I think you’re bipolar”
Yeah I think so too

It’s 3am, an hour since you asked and the page is still left undone
Thanks for bringing me back to my thoughts
I stared at my screen then at my page, they’re both blank just like myself
How did I lose it all so quickly?
Wasn’t I supposed to put down what I was feeling
“This is what you feel”
I feel as blank as the page yet somehow I feel happy. I hope it lasts

“I believe I’m just a happy soul in a not so happy place”
I do really want to know though, does it make sense to be 2 in 1 or is it just my alter ego?

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